I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
