I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
