There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
