Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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