I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
