She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
