dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
