look no pants
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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