i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
