I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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