sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
