Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
