It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
