please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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