Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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