I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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