I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My life is pants optional.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
