i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
