Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
