'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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