Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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