i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
