I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
