Where are you?
In a non slutty way
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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