She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
