I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Terrible idea I love it
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
