I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
