I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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