I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
