she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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