You surviving the open bar?
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Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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