I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just found a bag of teeth...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
