Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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