happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
