So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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