Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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