There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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