So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
