nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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