If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I need moral support for this bender
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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