Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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