It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
