shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
