Soap is not a condiment
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
