So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
