Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
