I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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