It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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