I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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