OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
