you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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