Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
