Sry I called you an 8
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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