im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
