You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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