I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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