I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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